i don't even care if it hurts...

this week has been fucking nuts. i think i'll do this entry debate stylee and come up with a verdict on what adjective should be used to summarize.

Pro-

Our Album dropped on Tuesday. Purevolume featured us on their homepage for 2 days and we've had almost 4,000 listens this week. They also interviewed us, which was really surreal. I remember when just saying "band practice" and "studio" felt all legit and cool. Now I'm saying things like "Being compared to Gwen and Hayley is really flattering because they are such phenomenal vocalists." Since then it's been a worldwind of email. So and so tagged OLP on facebook, so and so is now following you on twitter, so and so commented on your Purevolume page, so and so just became your fan, so and so would like to book you to play X show, so and so would like to write a review of your album.  

This is the most  band email I've ever gotten in a few days. It's really exciting. 

Con-

Work has been absolutely impossible. I am an excel ninja, but our business is growing so fast it's becoming impossible to use excel to do my job. I am actually breaking it. It's making me frustrated. And there's more pressure than ever to make sure everything is correct. I spent 16 hours straight working on ONE report. Even with every excel trick in the book, it still took that long. is stressful. 

Con-

Had my first real fight with Pirate. From there everything seemed to spin out of control. He's mad about something I did to fix a different problem. Tried to seek advice from another friend who picked me up after Pirate threw me out and got in a spat with him. i feel very trapped and I can't get out of anything without hurting everyone. ended up having a long chat about the state of my mental health and got some harsh but necessary feedback. left feeling like i had somewhat of a plan to slow things way down in all aspects and sleep more. then talked to some other close friends who basically said "wtf? why? don't you enjoy being crazy even if it does cause a bit of drama every now and then?" 

So, yeah. Being vanilla isn't going to make me any happier. he's probably got a point on the sleep thing tho...

Pro-

Been hangin out a lot with some friends in other Seattle punk bands. Makes me really miss my capital hill group from years ago. Must say that drinkin with a big group of musicians is what happy is all about. Lots of band chats and good music and karaoke and dancing and flip cams and hipster games and cheap beer and inside jokes on facebook walls and feeling famous. There's a lot of love and support in that group. 

I suppose that's sort of the state of things. Band is having the greatest week of it's life. Work is stressful and I'm still in the mental funk. 

got lots of material for the next album...

i'm not gonna live my life on one side of an ampersand.

just read the amanda palmer "wedding blog" and didn't cry as much as the twitters led me to anticipate.
her thoughts on love and her happy ending make me really genuinely uplifted. leaves me thinking there's some hot famous british writer- equivalent who'll thrust me into that cozy "someone gets me" existence.
currently i'm quite far from that.
dragging myself from catharsis attempt after catharsis attempt and not finding peace.
cooking and running and girl time and shopping and piano and wine and bad TV and good film and cleaning and writing and staring out the window and crying and sleeping in and... nothing...
i think i know what i need to do. but it's very foreign. and will take time.
i am, for lack of a more profound and interesting phrase, just... lonely.
i have never not been "the most important girl" to *someone*
it's ... jarring....
i have been single. i've been alone. i've been on my own. hell, i spent most of my life that way.
but since i started dating and those wonderful relationships turned into something so much more exciting, I haven't ever been here.
making matters more challenging, all of my past loves are happily settled into something new.
new years was a blur of ex-lovers embracing at midnight.
and i'm handling it all very badly. i'm getting panicky about feeling like a failure. when, fuck dude, i don't actually FEEL like a failure.
everything in my life is JUST the way i want it. i have an amazing brag-worthy job, and my apartment is purple and gorgeous and has a zillion ways to make music happen in it, and my hair is orange and my band is releasing a record i'm so so proud of. and i'm singing... like in public. and i have that vein in my abs that comes from working out way too much.
blah.
things are really just GOOD.
and i'm letting myself feel like a failure for not coupling off. that's not true. i don't want a partner right now. but i do want a collection of adoring suitors. just to know they're there. validation. options.
and i think i may have just dated everyone in this f-ing town that's worth dating. and they've all fallen short. and it's making me question my notions of "settling."
so i know what i need to do.
i need to have a long, realistic, hard look at the world. at myself. and really figure out how i feel about everything. it's so much easier to be strong when you're the one saying no. alone by choice. alone not by choice.
i don't know what i really think anymore about companionship. but i do know it's too hard to figure out your perspective in the face of ... tha world. which has some pretty harsh things to say about being alone.
the hardest part of it all is that a woman trying to figure this out is also met with the cliche of it all.
there's figuring out if you really feel what you feel or you're so scared you end up lying to yourself.
that's tha world again tho.
would i be okay being alone forever because no one i've ever met has ever been worth it?
the whole concept seems so utterly ridiculous in the face of ... well everything else there is in the world.
feels stupid and selfish and trite to bother thinking about it.
but hell. we're built that way.
all my safety nets are gone now. all the ones i had that back-of-the-mind "i'll probably end up with him" relationships are over.
feels character building.
i've been in a lot of relationships that came with fringe benefits.
"if you date him, you get this house and this car, and this friend circle, and you'll never have to be alone on any holidays, and you're facebook will be littered with pictures of you looking happy."
but it was never enough.
big sigh.
okay, so i didn't cry after reading AFP's blog but it definitely got me thinking...
i think i'ts possible to find that truly peaceful place alone. i just have to stop intentionally throwing distracting "things" in the way.
what if...
what if the world is just not enough... what then...