Everything is challenging me today. Friends, band drama, boy drama, work stress. I don't wanna talk about any of it.
instead I wanna organize my thoughts around a question I'm sure I'll get asked a lot in the coming year-
why i am going vegan.
The short answer is, 70% health, 30% morality.
The long explanation comes from a lot of research...
This is something I started thinking of doing 2 years ago, but I wanted to be thorough and do all the research before making such a drastic change.
In the last 2 years I've been slowly phasing out meat and dairy in small steps. First I switched to organic/free range. Then I cut back on red meat. Then I moved to a lot of dairy substitutes, soy milk etc. And on my 30th birthday this year, I'll finally cut the rest out.
The final kick to do it has probably been the change in my social group. I'm around more vegans and vegetarians and when we cook together, instead of missing meat and dairy, I'm find a ton of new amazing food I've been missing out on. Avacados w/honey? Almond flaxseed butter with apples? Pita chips with peach salsa?
So here's kind some of the things that stuck with me while I was researching. Some of it I kinda knew, some of it was a surprise.
Health
1. Dairy products are designed by nature to include steroids and hormones needed by young animals of the same species during development. Dairy from other species contains naturally occurring chemicals which can be cancerous to humans.
2. Consuming dairy means consuming all the harmful chemicals ingested by the animal during their lifetime, fertilizer, veterinary medicine, antibiotics.
3. Protein found in all l plants is healthier than the protein found in animal products because animal protein has saturated fat and cholesterol which lead to heart disease.
4. Processed foods contain chemicals not found in nature. They effect the body by causing chemical addiction in the brain and also changing the receptors in the cells of the stomach lining which communicate the feeling of satiation to the brain.
Ethics
1. The combination of price competition with no protection under animal cruelty laws incentivizes unethical farm house and fishing treatment.
-Since only recently pregnant animals produce milk, female cows are kept constantly pregnant. After giving birth, if the calf is a male, it will either be put to death or raised for veal.
- Many sea animals are in danger of being accidentally killed as a byproduct of fishing. In Indonesia, for every one pound of shrimp, an average of 26 pounds of other sea animals were killed and tossed back into the ocean.
2. A vegan diet saves an average of 96 animal lives each year.
3. Farming contributes 40% more to carbon monoxide emission than all of the world's transportation combined.
4. Animal agriculture is a grossly inefficient way of growing food. It takes 7 pounds of grain to produce 1 pound of meat. Meat also takes 70% more water and energy to produce. As long as world hunger exists and we don't have unlimited natural resources, meat is the least efficient type of food to produce.
***********************************
So while I recognize the stereotypes behind veganism, it feels very right to me. Taco Bell and cheddar cheese is gonna be extremely tough but I have a lot of will power when I'm educated.
2 more months....
Tuesday, June 26, 2012
Monday, June 25, 2012
the yellow one is the sun!
Lovely lovely weekend. just lovely.
these are the days when i don't have to put any effort into life to feel giddy happy. it just seems to happen.
Friday evening i went for a run after work and sat out on the rocks by the water for a while to watch the sunset. Came home and cleaned the shit out of my house. reorganized drawers, color coordinated my closet. moved furniture around in my bedroom so my bed is now up against the window. slept like a baby the whole rest of the weekend because of it.
Saturday i woke up at 5am, threw clothes on and split a cab with Ben while it was still dark outside. The band got to play the Rock & Roll marathon and it was a complete fucking blast. Since we're all wireless, we played a lot of the show in the streets with the runners. A photographer for the PI went paparazzi nuts on us and we ended up in the paper:
Playing for 2 hours was a really good experience. About 30 minutes in, I hit that sweet comfort spot and got to experiment with different stuff for the next hour and a half. Was also really good practice with being forced to sing with proper technique. You can cheat a 40 minute set, you CANNOT cheat a 2 hour set.
It started pouring after our set and Ben and I walked home in the freezing cold. But I took an epic well-deserved nap listening to the rain.
Woke up, threw on a dress and went to a big lovely family dinner in honor of Jess's mom, who was in town visiting. Lots of story telling and wine and being endeared by the similar mannerisms of your friends and their parents.
Went home, threw on a corset and met the girls for the closing night of the Seattle Erotic Arts Festival. Drank overpriced rum, danced in heels, had fun int he photo booth, and attempted to call it an early night, but ended up having a youtube party til 4am with B.
Woke up early for Sunday Funday yoga brunch with the kids. Moved things to Nikki's place and did an hour of yoga in her living room while a friend of ours cooked homemade bagles in the kitchen. There is kind of nothing more amazing in the world than doing yoga with the smell of baking bread. very happy.
after brunch, the boys did dishes while nikki gave me a thai massage to fix this neck issue i've been having. so for the record, yes, sometimes we do get half naked and rub oils on each other.
caught a ride home with a new friend and napped the rest of the day. woke up, changed out of yoga clothes and met up with the kids for Sunday Funday rock box karaoke. Ended the night with gelato and more storytimes.
fell asleep watching a documentary about veganism (for my impending "year without meat or dairy") and texting puppy pictures back and forth with the new friend.
i'm putting all of my time and energy into the right things, so i'm falling asleep each night feeling more and more at peace. I'm really looking forward to the Vipassana retreat and a year of veganism and my 28 birthday parties and new friends and getting better at climbing and making music with the band and learning Mozart's Requiem on piano.
There's a whole end of the spectrum I haven't really explored and so far it's bringing me a lot of happiness.
also- there's putting a Top Pot Donughts on the bottom floor of my office building. win mother fucking win.
these are the days when i don't have to put any effort into life to feel giddy happy. it just seems to happen.
Friday evening i went for a run after work and sat out on the rocks by the water for a while to watch the sunset. Came home and cleaned the shit out of my house. reorganized drawers, color coordinated my closet. moved furniture around in my bedroom so my bed is now up against the window. slept like a baby the whole rest of the weekend because of it.
Saturday i woke up at 5am, threw clothes on and split a cab with Ben while it was still dark outside. The band got to play the Rock & Roll marathon and it was a complete fucking blast. Since we're all wireless, we played a lot of the show in the streets with the runners. A photographer for the PI went paparazzi nuts on us and we ended up in the paper:
It started pouring after our set and Ben and I walked home in the freezing cold. But I took an epic well-deserved nap listening to the rain.
Woke up, threw on a dress and went to a big lovely family dinner in honor of Jess's mom, who was in town visiting. Lots of story telling and wine and being endeared by the similar mannerisms of your friends and their parents.
Went home, threw on a corset and met the girls for the closing night of the Seattle Erotic Arts Festival. Drank overpriced rum, danced in heels, had fun int he photo booth, and attempted to call it an early night, but ended up having a youtube party til 4am with B.
Woke up early for Sunday Funday yoga brunch with the kids. Moved things to Nikki's place and did an hour of yoga in her living room while a friend of ours cooked homemade bagles in the kitchen. There is kind of nothing more amazing in the world than doing yoga with the smell of baking bread. very happy.
after brunch, the boys did dishes while nikki gave me a thai massage to fix this neck issue i've been having. so for the record, yes, sometimes we do get half naked and rub oils on each other.
caught a ride home with a new friend and napped the rest of the day. woke up, changed out of yoga clothes and met up with the kids for Sunday Funday rock box karaoke. Ended the night with gelato and more storytimes.
fell asleep watching a documentary about veganism (for my impending "year without meat or dairy") and texting puppy pictures back and forth with the new friend.
i'm putting all of my time and energy into the right things, so i'm falling asleep each night feeling more and more at peace. I'm really looking forward to the Vipassana retreat and a year of veganism and my 28 birthday parties and new friends and getting better at climbing and making music with the band and learning Mozart's Requiem on piano.
There's a whole end of the spectrum I haven't really explored and so far it's bringing me a lot of happiness.
also- there's putting a Top Pot Donughts on the bottom floor of my office building. win mother fucking win.
Tuesday, June 19, 2012
the in-between
I think my favorite time of day in the whole world is between 7am and 9am. Let me rephrase, my brain is at it's most amazing between 7 and 9am.
I set my alarm for 7 and end up hitting the snooze button for longer than most normal people.
I do this intentionally, because my brain does incredible things when i'm halfway between awake and asleep.
I solve real problems with stupid illogical solutions that make total sense at the time and make me crack up when i remember them later.
Dear Brain,
How in the hell did you think making kayak paddles out of taco bell tortilla shells was going to fix your multi-user database override problem?
love,
Kari
I also come up with elaborate reasons to stay in bed. At least this motivation I get, but if I'm sleep deprived enough, sleepy brain logic can overpower normal people logic.
Dear Sleepy Brain,
While I admire your powers of persuation over regular brain, my boss was not amused that I missed our 9am meeting because you convinced me I'd come up with the most comfortable sleeping position in the history of mankind and it was socially irresponsible to waste that rare oppertunity.
Love,
Late to work Kari
This morning was pretty epic.
It started with a dream. I was sleeping in a lovely sunlight treehouse when my vibrator, which was shaped like a Ken doll, turned on by itself. The regular on/off switches weren't working, so I spent what felt like hours removing layer after layer. Batteries, power cables, cases and covers.
It still wouldn't stop buzzing.
So I took a hammer and beat it to a bloody pulp.
When I woke up, I realized that the buzzing was my cell phone, which had been going off for 3 1/2 minutes. It's strange when you're made quickly aware of the discrepancy between dream time and real time.
After the dream, my brain stayed in the half awake for a while and convinced me that I was showing a rare skill in how long I could keep myself half awake. Sleepy brain made me feel proud of how quickly i could turn off the sleep alarm. Sleepy brain convinced me to sleep with one hand on the alarm clock and another on my cellphones so that i could turn my back up alarms off as easy as my primary ones. Sleepy brain convinced me that I was a genius for this.
Late to work Kari missed her doctor's appointment and first meeting because sleepy brain had once again taken control of the 7-9am.. so she killed him with redbull.
The end.
I set my alarm for 7 and end up hitting the snooze button for longer than most normal people.
I do this intentionally, because my brain does incredible things when i'm halfway between awake and asleep.
I solve real problems with stupid illogical solutions that make total sense at the time and make me crack up when i remember them later.
Dear Brain,
How in the hell did you think making kayak paddles out of taco bell tortilla shells was going to fix your multi-user database override problem?
love,
Kari
I also come up with elaborate reasons to stay in bed. At least this motivation I get, but if I'm sleep deprived enough, sleepy brain logic can overpower normal people logic.
Dear Sleepy Brain,
While I admire your powers of persuation over regular brain, my boss was not amused that I missed our 9am meeting because you convinced me I'd come up with the most comfortable sleeping position in the history of mankind and it was socially irresponsible to waste that rare oppertunity.
Love,
Late to work Kari
This morning was pretty epic.
It started with a dream. I was sleeping in a lovely sunlight treehouse when my vibrator, which was shaped like a Ken doll, turned on by itself. The regular on/off switches weren't working, so I spent what felt like hours removing layer after layer. Batteries, power cables, cases and covers.
It still wouldn't stop buzzing.
So I took a hammer and beat it to a bloody pulp.
When I woke up, I realized that the buzzing was my cell phone, which had been going off for 3 1/2 minutes. It's strange when you're made quickly aware of the discrepancy between dream time and real time.
After the dream, my brain stayed in the half awake for a while and convinced me that I was showing a rare skill in how long I could keep myself half awake. Sleepy brain made me feel proud of how quickly i could turn off the sleep alarm. Sleepy brain convinced me to sleep with one hand on the alarm clock and another on my cellphones so that i could turn my back up alarms off as easy as my primary ones. Sleepy brain convinced me that I was a genius for this.
Late to work Kari missed her doctor's appointment and first meeting because sleepy brain had once again taken control of the 7-9am.. so she killed him with redbull.
The end.
Tuesday, June 12, 2012
everyday i'm slipping more from where i was before
Had an existential crisis cleaning my house today.
you just like... mess everything up. and then clean it. and then i guess hope to make enough money to pay someone else to clean it, so you have more time to... to what?
whats the point of moving forward in life, it if only frees up your time to think about how little you know what to do with yourself with free time.
in other news, hangin by myself tonight.
with no chores, no work. no life stuff. had a great productive work day. followed by a super productive recording session for the new single. practiced piano for an hour. then started cleaning and now....
honestly don't know.
maybe this is why people get married.
day is done. not feeling particularly social. but wouldn't mind hangin with someone in that cozy stress free way.
suppose that means i'm reaching the end of my single phase.
suppose i should "get back out there"
ugh.
sucks out there.
so many annoyingly stupid boring people.
guess as long as i balance the "trying" with enough alone/happy fuzzy friend times, it won't feel like such a chore.
or maybe fuck it. i'll spend the next year with luca in expensive silk pajamas, eating taco bell and catching up on all the TV i missed while i was busy being ... not alone.
whatever it is- tonight is the first night i've had some time to myself and i really just wanted to be held.
you just like... mess everything up. and then clean it. and then i guess hope to make enough money to pay someone else to clean it, so you have more time to... to what?
whats the point of moving forward in life, it if only frees up your time to think about how little you know what to do with yourself with free time.
in other news, hangin by myself tonight.
with no chores, no work. no life stuff. had a great productive work day. followed by a super productive recording session for the new single. practiced piano for an hour. then started cleaning and now....
honestly don't know.
maybe this is why people get married.
day is done. not feeling particularly social. but wouldn't mind hangin with someone in that cozy stress free way.
suppose that means i'm reaching the end of my single phase.
suppose i should "get back out there"
ugh.
sucks out there.
so many annoyingly stupid boring people.
guess as long as i balance the "trying" with enough alone/happy fuzzy friend times, it won't feel like such a chore.
or maybe fuck it. i'll spend the next year with luca in expensive silk pajamas, eating taco bell and catching up on all the TV i missed while i was busy being ... not alone.
whatever it is- tonight is the first night i've had some time to myself and i really just wanted to be held.
Monday, June 11, 2012
Get out of my life, wait where are you going?
My therapist picked a hell of a week to go on vacation...
Nick broke up with me. Or I, him. I'm not sure. It felt mutual but in that "i resent how much you suck at making me happy so we're done but this is still your fault" kind of way.
Definitely feeling sad. Though logic tells me I shouldn't feel sad. He still wants to be friends. And sex is still on the table. Just removing the relationship part, which didn't seem to be working for either of us.
So this should be a good thing.
But maybe I'm taking it a little hard because I'm not great when close friends are so harsh. Hard not to shrug it off. I'm not bad at relationships. But I am terrible to be in a relationship with when I'm not happy. Faking it is not something I do.
And I'm right about why it wasn't working. And it's something neither of us should take personally. Neither of us felt like the other one was making an effort in the right way. The things he was doing to show he cared, are not the things I need. and vice versa.
For what it's worth, I don't think i've ever been in a relationship where that part was so clear. So it's a good lesson.
I need all the little things constantly. I need consistent reminders that I'm important. Text messages, gchats, being updated on plans even when they don't involve me, advance notice of things that shows respect for my schedule, over-communication. Things that make a relationship feel like a partnership.
I didn't realize how important those things were until I dated someone more independent than myself.
He needed gestures. Sacrifice. Actions that showed I was willing to inconvenience my life for someone else.
But I think after being in so many failed relationships, I see sacrifice as a bad thing. Like, when I'm with the right person, we'll just click and nothing will need to be compromised. Or at least not as a primary way to show affection.
The things I do to show people I love them don't feel like sacrifices. I buy presents, I write songs, I text little afirmations, I go to things to support them.
When I blow off happy hours or brunches because I need alone time, it has nothing to do with how important people are. And my truly close friends have never seen it that way. And the friends who do take offense, have never stuck around for long.
Naturally tho, the moment he left, I sat in my hallway feeling more alone than I have in a while.
I sat at the piano until I realized it was night and I was playing in the dark. and i wrote this:
the strongest thing I was feeling at the time was how unfair it is that you flip 180 degrees and suddenly miss someone the second they leave. even after weeks of being frustrated, annoyed, pressured, trapped.
all someone has to do, is end it. and you can't even feel the relief of freedom. 15 seconds later and you're going through "a breakup"
i hate how not in control it makes me feel.
i know i should feel better. logic says I should be okay.
but i freak out and go straight to "i'm gonna die alone"
at least I got a good song out of it.
I also learned the first half of "Apres Moi" By Regina Spektor. Which is on my "fucking impossibly hard piano songs that i want to learn before i die."
so i guess yesterday is a wash.
i hope i can stay in sad but reflective mode for long enough to want to be friends with him. Knowing me, if something hurts for too long, I have to fix it.
#control issues
and back to something i can control, work.
Nick broke up with me. Or I, him. I'm not sure. It felt mutual but in that "i resent how much you suck at making me happy so we're done but this is still your fault" kind of way.
Definitely feeling sad. Though logic tells me I shouldn't feel sad. He still wants to be friends. And sex is still on the table. Just removing the relationship part, which didn't seem to be working for either of us.
So this should be a good thing.
But maybe I'm taking it a little hard because I'm not great when close friends are so harsh. Hard not to shrug it off. I'm not bad at relationships. But I am terrible to be in a relationship with when I'm not happy. Faking it is not something I do.
And I'm right about why it wasn't working. And it's something neither of us should take personally. Neither of us felt like the other one was making an effort in the right way. The things he was doing to show he cared, are not the things I need. and vice versa.
For what it's worth, I don't think i've ever been in a relationship where that part was so clear. So it's a good lesson.
I need all the little things constantly. I need consistent reminders that I'm important. Text messages, gchats, being updated on plans even when they don't involve me, advance notice of things that shows respect for my schedule, over-communication. Things that make a relationship feel like a partnership.
I didn't realize how important those things were until I dated someone more independent than myself.
He needed gestures. Sacrifice. Actions that showed I was willing to inconvenience my life for someone else.
But I think after being in so many failed relationships, I see sacrifice as a bad thing. Like, when I'm with the right person, we'll just click and nothing will need to be compromised. Or at least not as a primary way to show affection.
The things I do to show people I love them don't feel like sacrifices. I buy presents, I write songs, I text little afirmations, I go to things to support them.
When I blow off happy hours or brunches because I need alone time, it has nothing to do with how important people are. And my truly close friends have never seen it that way. And the friends who do take offense, have never stuck around for long.
Naturally tho, the moment he left, I sat in my hallway feeling more alone than I have in a while.
I sat at the piano until I realized it was night and I was playing in the dark. and i wrote this:
the strongest thing I was feeling at the time was how unfair it is that you flip 180 degrees and suddenly miss someone the second they leave. even after weeks of being frustrated, annoyed, pressured, trapped.
all someone has to do, is end it. and you can't even feel the relief of freedom. 15 seconds later and you're going through "a breakup"
i hate how not in control it makes me feel.
i know i should feel better. logic says I should be okay.
but i freak out and go straight to "i'm gonna die alone"
at least I got a good song out of it.
I also learned the first half of "Apres Moi" By Regina Spektor. Which is on my "fucking impossibly hard piano songs that i want to learn before i die."
so i guess yesterday is a wash.
i hope i can stay in sad but reflective mode for long enough to want to be friends with him. Knowing me, if something hurts for too long, I have to fix it.
#control issues
and back to something i can control, work.
Wednesday, June 6, 2012
Think of this as my Post Secret
<TMI>
1.Not being over him is making it impossible for anyone else to really love and trust me.
2. What hurts the most is the idea of being rejected by the idea of him.
3. i don't think i can love myself again until I understand why he doesn't.
4. I've built my identity around loving the things about myself that someone like him should love and without it i'm lost.
5. I was always comfortable with my mania because i thought it was necessary for the best parts of me to exist. If I have to fix the crazy stuff for anyone to love me, I'm scared I won't know who I am anymore.
8. I don't trust the world to make me happy on it's own and I survive with self medication.
9. The better things get, the less excuses I have to be sad and the more guilty I feel for being sad.
10. Every moment when I feel beautiful and proud, gets ruined because part of me is so angry you can't see it
11. I only feel safe when I feel skinny.
12. Sometimes I stop eating because I don't know how to understand how to fix anything else.
13. Sometimes I stop eating because at least people will worry about me for good reasons. People understand the need to be thin but not the psychotic obsession to be loved by something that barely exists.
</TMI>
1.Not being over him is making it impossible for anyone else to really love and trust me.
2. What hurts the most is the idea of being rejected by the idea of him.
3. i don't think i can love myself again until I understand why he doesn't.
4. I've built my identity around loving the things about myself that someone like him should love and without it i'm lost.
5. I was always comfortable with my mania because i thought it was necessary for the best parts of me to exist. If I have to fix the crazy stuff for anyone to love me, I'm scared I won't know who I am anymore.
8. I don't trust the world to make me happy on it's own and I survive with self medication.
9. The better things get, the less excuses I have to be sad and the more guilty I feel for being sad.
10. Every moment when I feel beautiful and proud, gets ruined because part of me is so angry you can't see it
11. I only feel safe when I feel skinny.
12. Sometimes I stop eating because I don't know how to understand how to fix anything else.
13. Sometimes I stop eating because at least people will worry about me for good reasons. People understand the need to be thin but not the psychotic obsession to be loved by something that barely exists.
</TMI>
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