inspired by mental abysmally true events.
Verse
empty empty boxes all around me
every second hurts more than the last
time moves slowly draggin out the misery
waiting for this waiting game to pass
maybe maybe stop with all the maybe
there's no excuse he's gone for good this time
going crazy defending his rejection
let this go before you lose your mind
PreChorus
wait, what's that i hear
you're coming in so clear
the silence hits me like a wall
i should know better than
keep reaching out like this
but all the right things feel so wrong
Refrain
and i would give you everything right now
to see what you would do with it
and i already know you'll break some part of me
but i'm still standing here until i get an answer
Verse
masochistic, that is what they call it
the worst part is over, but i keep coming back
cuz i know how to make the silence louder
i just call your name and i'm right back on track
Tuesday, November 29, 2011
Monday, November 28, 2011
With a face like Bob Marley and a mouth like a motorbike
aaahhh thanksgiving. bittersweet holiday. it's becoming more and more like the valentine's day of the fall.
at 29 and unmarried you fall into one of 3 buckets:
1- You do the "orphan thanksgiving" by getting a big group of similarly situated singles together, cook potluck style, watch nostalgic childhood holiday movies, drink copiously and somewhere in the night play a hilarious, drunken game of apples to apples. That's been my MO the last few years.
2- You visit the parents, spend the majority of the weekend in the guest/living room catching up on all the good TV that your parents have because they sprung for comcast on demand, meeting up with a few random friends after your parents go to sleep, and ritualistically spend at least one afternoon shopping with mom. This was my MO most of college and early Seattle.
3- You lost the majority of your friends in a nasty breakup and you're too frugal to drop a grand to fly home so you jump on a last minute invite from the bestie, and do a modest, chill evening with a couple super close friends, eat on the couch, watching TV and spend hours playing scrabble on your iphones with everyone in the room. This was my MO this year.
The company honestly made for a truly wonderful and loving evening. I almost never have luck mixing friend groups but I find the time i spend with C and Pirate exhaustingly happy.
It still stung to know I was missing the epic dinner party at d's. Stung to remember how fun it was to play hostess last year. Buying stupid shit like fake corn centerpeices and silver candle sticks. digging out the champagne buckets and renting place settings for 30. Was always fun to let my OCD run wild in party decorating ideas. and the "we miss you" text messages felt shallow and strange. "we miss you.... but not enough to really matter when it counts." they invited C and i found myself not worried that she would blow me off to go. hadn't really thought about it before, but it's nice to trust someone.
...............
After thanksgiving, Pirate and I hopped in the range rover and set off in search of snow. lost the iphone stereo adapter cord so it was a road trip soundtracked with one of those old school CD logic CD cases full of "the last time you were actually buying CDs." Lots of Sublime, nirvana, old school blink. Made many many many music videos.
Ended up in Leavenworth, which was a magical little fake Bavarian town. Had an unbelievably amazing time. Lots of wine tasting bar hopping, giant beer drinking, antique shopping, shitty tourist swag shopping, marching around in snow, reading lazily by the fire, watching movies from a TV in the footboard of the bed and then more wine. Realized I was with a bestie when we tried to play hangman on the table while waiting for dinner and we kept guessing the words after 2 letters. einhorn... is FINKLE!
Got home and dragged C and Pirate to see the new twilight movie since my brain was broken and it was playing at big picture. ended up group sms'ing alternate titles and laughing inappropriately loud.
alt title 1- timid breathy white people make out dramatically in different locations
alt title 2- fucking and punching
alt title 3- teen pregnancy and you
alt title 4- vampreggers
alt title 5- see this is why we can't have nice things
and now i'm at work and i feel like it's still christmas vacation and i want to sleep more and drink white gluwein and eat cranberry walnuts.
knudsen out
at 29 and unmarried you fall into one of 3 buckets:
1- You do the "orphan thanksgiving" by getting a big group of similarly situated singles together, cook potluck style, watch nostalgic childhood holiday movies, drink copiously and somewhere in the night play a hilarious, drunken game of apples to apples. That's been my MO the last few years.
2- You visit the parents, spend the majority of the weekend in the guest/living room catching up on all the good TV that your parents have because they sprung for comcast on demand, meeting up with a few random friends after your parents go to sleep, and ritualistically spend at least one afternoon shopping with mom. This was my MO most of college and early Seattle.
3- You lost the majority of your friends in a nasty breakup and you're too frugal to drop a grand to fly home so you jump on a last minute invite from the bestie, and do a modest, chill evening with a couple super close friends, eat on the couch, watching TV and spend hours playing scrabble on your iphones with everyone in the room. This was my MO this year.
The company honestly made for a truly wonderful and loving evening. I almost never have luck mixing friend groups but I find the time i spend with C and Pirate exhaustingly happy.
It still stung to know I was missing the epic dinner party at d's. Stung to remember how fun it was to play hostess last year. Buying stupid shit like fake corn centerpeices and silver candle sticks. digging out the champagne buckets and renting place settings for 30. Was always fun to let my OCD run wild in party decorating ideas. and the "we miss you" text messages felt shallow and strange. "we miss you.... but not enough to really matter when it counts." they invited C and i found myself not worried that she would blow me off to go. hadn't really thought about it before, but it's nice to trust someone.
...............
After thanksgiving, Pirate and I hopped in the range rover and set off in search of snow. lost the iphone stereo adapter cord so it was a road trip soundtracked with one of those old school CD logic CD cases full of "the last time you were actually buying CDs." Lots of Sublime, nirvana, old school blink. Made many many many music videos.
Ended up in Leavenworth, which was a magical little fake Bavarian town. Had an unbelievably amazing time. Lots of wine tasting bar hopping, giant beer drinking, antique shopping, shitty tourist swag shopping, marching around in snow, reading lazily by the fire, watching movies from a TV in the footboard of the bed and then more wine. Realized I was with a bestie when we tried to play hangman on the table while waiting for dinner and we kept guessing the words after 2 letters. einhorn... is FINKLE!
Got home and dragged C and Pirate to see the new twilight movie since my brain was broken and it was playing at big picture. ended up group sms'ing alternate titles and laughing inappropriately loud.
alt title 1- timid breathy white people make out dramatically in different locations
alt title 2- fucking and punching
alt title 3- teen pregnancy and you
alt title 4- vampreggers
alt title 5- see this is why we can't have nice things
and now i'm at work and i feel like it's still christmas vacation and i want to sleep more and drink white gluwein and eat cranberry walnuts.
knudsen out
Monday, November 21, 2011
keep calm and om nom nom
I had a dream that we were on a beach at sunset. We hadn't spoke in months and we weren't speaking then, just like we aren't now.
We stopped to watch and there were so many clouds in the way and somehow the sky looked too grey for a sunset.
I said to you "it's not really that pretty is it?"
And you said "it's hard to see it as beautiful when you compare it to all the sunsets we shared before."
and i nodded and turned and walked away.
this is the first time i've dreamt of you since the breakup. i think it's because i'm settling into the idea that the door for us is closed and now I don't get to move on, i just have to. you probably felt that the moment it happened. but i think i was waiting for the dust to settle.
i suppose now it's time to stop looking at the male population as an amusing distraction while I get my head together and start thinking of them as a possible future.
that's quite terrifying...
We stopped to watch and there were so many clouds in the way and somehow the sky looked too grey for a sunset.
I said to you "it's not really that pretty is it?"
And you said "it's hard to see it as beautiful when you compare it to all the sunsets we shared before."
and i nodded and turned and walked away.
this is the first time i've dreamt of you since the breakup. i think it's because i'm settling into the idea that the door for us is closed and now I don't get to move on, i just have to. you probably felt that the moment it happened. but i think i was waiting for the dust to settle.
i suppose now it's time to stop looking at the male population as an amusing distraction while I get my head together and start thinking of them as a possible future.
that's quite terrifying...
Sunday, November 20, 2011
there's no crying in baseball
Either this is an uncharacteristically sunny winter or the lack of natural light in my old place hid this all from me. I've woken up almost every morning to blinding sunlight in my eyes. It's magical.
I don't sleep with the blinds closed. I don't really like total darkness unless i'm in a hotel. For some reason all hotels have the capability to make it pitch black at 3 in the afternoon, which offers the opportunity to tear them open dramatically and wreck vampire-ish havoc on whoever's still sleeping.
Anyway, I like skyline light... a lot. It's like a big giant Christmas tree outside. So I end up being blinded around 9am every morning. which is why I'm up blogging before 11. because all the fun people are still sleeping off last night. and if pirate would just confirm he's at least at home, i'd send pizza over there.
this weekend has gone by too fast. on the list of napping, partying, 1:1 bonding, falling in love, sleeping, reading, socializing, learning something new, shopping and treatyoself-ing, i've done like 4. guess which...
sigh...
need to get this chili into the slow cooker so i can beat the pirate at our chili cook off contest. but i am le tired...
20 something wine night was a blasty as always. is really fun to have nights where you can half catch up with 30 people you haven't seen in a while. is like, efficient socializing.
of course it was mildly heartbreaking to experience what has previously just been just not inviting me out anymore to actual awkward in person small talks. not putting any negative feelings out in the universe. it just breaks my heart a little and i can't make it make sense. he hurt me, i hurt him. and none of that involves anyone else. but people choose sides and when you're not the side chosen, you want reasons. and there really aren't any. well there aren't any that don't involve judgement from the people you thought loved you.
okay enough about that.
it's below 40 outside and i'm burning up here by the window.
debating a shower. sometimes yesterday's makeup looks hotter than today's half ass primping.
think i'll throw this (epic) chili in the cooker and go spend some money.
#fackall
I don't sleep with the blinds closed. I don't really like total darkness unless i'm in a hotel. For some reason all hotels have the capability to make it pitch black at 3 in the afternoon, which offers the opportunity to tear them open dramatically and wreck vampire-ish havoc on whoever's still sleeping.
Anyway, I like skyline light... a lot. It's like a big giant Christmas tree outside. So I end up being blinded around 9am every morning. which is why I'm up blogging before 11. because all the fun people are still sleeping off last night. and if pirate would just confirm he's at least at home, i'd send pizza over there.
this weekend has gone by too fast. on the list of napping, partying, 1:1 bonding, falling in love, sleeping, reading, socializing, learning something new, shopping and treatyoself-ing, i've done like 4. guess which...
sigh...
need to get this chili into the slow cooker so i can beat the pirate at our chili cook off contest. but i am le tired...
20 something wine night was a blasty as always. is really fun to have nights where you can half catch up with 30 people you haven't seen in a while. is like, efficient socializing.
of course it was mildly heartbreaking to experience what has previously just been just not inviting me out anymore to actual awkward in person small talks. not putting any negative feelings out in the universe. it just breaks my heart a little and i can't make it make sense. he hurt me, i hurt him. and none of that involves anyone else. but people choose sides and when you're not the side chosen, you want reasons. and there really aren't any. well there aren't any that don't involve judgement from the people you thought loved you.
okay enough about that.
it's below 40 outside and i'm burning up here by the window.
debating a shower. sometimes yesterday's makeup looks hotter than today's half ass primping.
think i'll throw this (epic) chili in the cooker and go spend some money.
#fackall
Friday, November 18, 2011
there's no end to the love you can give...
almost exactly 3 years ago today i wrote this: http://sexinthecloset.livejournal.com/244548.html
I still cry when i read that.
almost 2 years ago, I turned it into a song called "Dear Amanda Palmer."
a year ago, I gave her a copy of the CD at her Portland show. She asked for my email address but never wrote me.
and today...
i got an email from her manager telling me he came across the song, loved it and wanted me to send the lyrics.
there's a good chance that somewhere Amanda Palmer will hear my love ballad today. Not a lot of people get to experience that.
it might seem strange to idolize someone like her. She's not crazy celeb famous and she's a not prodigy musician. it's her spirit i seem to be drawn to. she just ... is... what i try to be/want to be/ can't not be.
she's...
...slaying a musical instrument after a bottle of wine or...a ripped up pixies shirt with no bra or...a brightly lit windowed room full of pillows or... that F to Fm switch at the end of "Follow you into the dark" or... poignant lyrics that make the rain okay or...sitting indian style on a bar stool or... haikus scrawled on cocktail napkins or....singing the harmony with someone in a car or....skyping someone in the next room from a bubble bath or....falling against your front door when he leaves and you can finally fall apart or...that part in that Brandi Carlisle song where she ferociously belts out those insane scratchy high notes or...crying because it feels good...
it's hard to describe i guess. not just beautiful. not just special. not just talented. not just interesting. just... everything.
anyway, i really hope she hears her song and i really hope it makes her feel like there are people who get what she's doing and support it, because that kind of self-aware unashamed honesty is really hard and really rare.
I still cry when i read that.
almost 2 years ago, I turned it into a song called "Dear Amanda Palmer."
a year ago, I gave her a copy of the CD at her Portland show. She asked for my email address but never wrote me.
and today...
i got an email from her manager telling me he came across the song, loved it and wanted me to send the lyrics.
there's a good chance that somewhere Amanda Palmer will hear my love ballad today. Not a lot of people get to experience that.
it might seem strange to idolize someone like her. She's not crazy celeb famous and she's a not prodigy musician. it's her spirit i seem to be drawn to. she just ... is... what i try to be/want to be/ can't not be.
she's...
...slaying a musical instrument after a bottle of wine or...a ripped up pixies shirt with no bra or...a brightly lit windowed room full of pillows or... that F to Fm switch at the end of "Follow you into the dark" or... poignant lyrics that make the rain okay or...sitting indian style on a bar stool or... haikus scrawled on cocktail napkins or....singing the harmony with someone in a car or....skyping someone in the next room from a bubble bath or....falling against your front door when he leaves and you can finally fall apart or...that part in that Brandi Carlisle song where she ferociously belts out those insane scratchy high notes or...crying because it feels good...
it's hard to describe i guess. not just beautiful. not just special. not just talented. not just interesting. just... everything.
anyway, i really hope she hears her song and i really hope it makes her feel like there are people who get what she's doing and support it, because that kind of self-aware unashamed honesty is really hard and really rare.
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