Here's something I didn't expect... being vegan feels a lot like having an eating disorder...
I realize that sounds like a joke but sadly, going on a severe dietary restriction that most of the population misunderstands and judges feels EXACTLY like it did when I was balls deep in ED back in school.
Bold leap, so I'l expand...
the last time I didn't eat my own birthday cake was sophomore year of college. i wish i had a really sexy compelling lifetime reason. like being an olympic level gymnast or a super model or ... anything really. even being a dance major at my school would probably make me feel better. but... I was a dance... minor (finance major/ german/ journalism triple major). I also wish that I was actually in the class that gave me so much anxiety but...
okay here's the pathetic details...
I wanted to be a dance major and I started out as an auditionee. and when everyone would gather in a pile of leg warmers and sewing needles for pointe shoes and gorgeous new leotards covered in destroyed, disheveled Rent T-shirts and discuss their semester's classes... I was always painfully jealous. Mariah (the bane of my dance career existence) had early morning theater and then advanced pointe work (with me) and then a TA position with the elective intro to dance class and rounding out with a Balanchine theory course.
Meanwhile, I was either the weird girl in a leotard in my econ class beforehand, or late to warm up and changing in the bathroom.
I hated it...
But i loved it...
okay so you get the dichotomy. the important thing to get from this is that when you already feel ostracized from something you love and you have little control, you tend to grasp on to the things you feel you can control, in the interest of saving some short term depression...
but i haven't mentioned the worst part...
Suzanne Ferrell.
google her. she's the most ridiculously amazing ballerina that ever lived, in my opinion.
and she taught at *my school*
at the class that was *after mine*
Because, you see, as an advance pointe non-dance-major, your class is right before the *real* dance major classes.
and i have been ob*SESSED* with Suzanne Ferrell since I was a kid. I've been in ballet since I was 4. Everyone who sticks with it after the parental- preschool-hobby phase wears out, has a sick fetish for perfection. And I.... do not have an ideal ballet body. Every failed ballerina can list their flawed body type faster than their social security number... I have bad arches. My feet are too small. My shins are too short compared to my thighs. My hips have no turnout and I'm too tall.
Suzanne Ferrell had all kinds of body issues but she was... ugh. you couldn't take your eyes off her. She was perfect without being perfect. I worshiped her. She was a principal with NYC ballet during the Balanchine era. She was his muse. Some of my favorite ballets were inspired by her. Ugh. whore. anyway...
she taught_the class_after mine.
so i would hide in the office and watch. and listen to her post- rehearsal advice.
and obsessed over everything.
she told her class how cooking carrots took the vitamins out of them, so eating them raw meant you could get the nutrients without consuming as many calories...
this and other lessons... and blah blah blah... skip 2 years ahead I'm hospitalized for... anyway... I'm better now and that's all that matters.
BUT** the point of this entry was...
in those 2 years I skipped over... I felt embarrassed for the way I ate. didn't feel like anyone would understand. felt the need to hide.
and it was also the last time i didn't eat my own birthday cake.
haven't thought about that stuff in a long long time.
BUT- in happy news, i'm on day 2 of the experiement and have no idea why i was able to maintain the ridiculous temptation of mom's cooking but i did so that's something.
thank god wine isn't made from animals....
