all you need is wub

oh where to begin....

went rock climbing for the second time this weekend and it was magical. dub step + rock climbing gym = sheer madness. 

walked around the city afterward with manuvah, climbing trees and enjoying the sun. was a particularly delightful saturday afternoon.

had a lingere baking date with S & A where we put on our hoe-ish best and made cupcakes. discovered edible glitter frosting and the world as i knew it was forever changed.

got to catch up with an old friend... and i'll leave it at that...

certainly having a really fantastic month. seems like there are 3 things i'd been missing, which have been really wonderful for my mental health

1- doing epic things

2- having people to tell epic stories to

3- having those people respond with equal amounts of epicosity

the funnest part of the last few weeks has really been gossiping about it to my friends and laughing at how ridiculous our lives are. i realize a lot of people say that and wish i could elaborate but no, not here.

finding myself back in the place where i get excited to be alive all the time again. new friends can make you excited to explore the world. finding myself with lists upon lists of adventures to be had. I think I always feel like the world, or at least Seattle, is like a playground, but sometimes i don't feel like playing. 

getting a little nervous/excited about shasta. first year going alone alone. could be relaxing and drama free.... likely to involve drunken mistakes with exes who are not single.... likelier to involve extreme sexual frustration...

we shall see. psyched for friends and sunshine and showing off my new Agent Provacateur bikini tho...

i'm sore for like 8 different reasons... 

Occupy Manfrancisco

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now you're just somebody that i used to know

Revenge is like taking poison and hoping the other person dies.
sound advice.
i finally feel free of the band drama. it took a lot of thinking and trying different approaches but in the end, like most things, you just have to forgive people, even when they don't apologize and let them go.
it does drive me crazy when i feel like someone doesn't see me for me. i feel like i have to prove myself. i have to constantly try and make them see how i'm not the person they think i am.
i didn't even realize that i was doing it though until today. and that's the real reason i've been so angry.
i feel like people's actions toward me are a reflection of how they see me. so i feel like i have to fix myself in their eyes.
and i never realized how much energy i was wasting on it. sounds cliche but, i don't owe anyone an explanation. and i really don't need to prove myself to anybody. and all that energy should be put into the people i do care about and not the ones who are toxic.
for the first time in a very long time, i feel really at peace with everything.
and i know it's not gonna always feel like this, but understanding is half the battle.

in other news, i got in a fight. a physical fight. and i have a black eye and i may have broken my hand. it's been a rough week. i'm not blogging because there hasn't been a single day this week where i would put what happened, even hints of it, on the internet. even in a private blog that no one reads.

home watching BSG icing my face and gonna sleep, hopefully, for the first time in a long time.
not sure i can keep up with this rockstar crap much longer. but next week is... not looking like a promising start to any sort of detox...flyin to SFO with some girlfriends for st. patrick's day and the weekend is already filled with scheduled chaos.

here's some fun vagueblogging:
there's half a bottle of whisky and 30-40 records thrown about on my living room floor... someone read me a bedtime story a few nights ago... it hurts to swallow b/c i may have damaged my throat and this is not related to the fist fight i got in...my vanity mirror is broken and i have no idea why... there's a cocktail named after me at bathtub gin :)

g'night babies.

this is what it's like

+ i'm wearing a custom limited edition franco shirt. given to me a few nights ago by the designer to wear on stage. cross promo etc. it's sunday and i just found it while i was emptying my gig bag. putting the undrank pineapple juice back in the fridge. honey, cough drops, glitter, sharpies. 

-and i can't stop thinking about the ex i saw tonight. how given 1-2 more glasses of wine and 2-3 more nostalgic stories and i would have been tempted to do the one thing you're never supposed to.

+ i played the king cat main stage on friday. raj did another epicjob on my makeup. my ass looked stellar in my new sequin pants. J even came to see me for the first time ever and i loved the feeling of singing to him. pirate was there. that guy was there. the bandmance was there, including a certain diva who i subconciously keep turning down even tho i dream about him constantly. everyone who's ever made me feel loved was in the crowd.

-and i can't stop obsessing over the guy who wasn't there. the guy who i fear may never be there again. the guy who shouldn't be there. but who keeps showing up in my dreams to make peace. and i wake up so happy only to be crushed when i realize none of it was real. the more i dream about him, the more he invades my waking thoughts and i don't know how to really fix that. 

+I spent another wonderful weekend balancing alone time and connected fun time with someone i'm starting to really enjoy. someone who is scarily similar to me, it feels unreal. i keep making up mental abyss stories in my head to make him less like me only to realize we're still on the same page. it's really really weird. it's like too easy. i feel like there should be something in fighting for this kind of connection. like if it's too easy it must be wrong.

-and so i'm obsessing over that. and/or worried about how horribly this/everything ends. 

+300 people came to see my friday night. 100ish people talked to me after the show. 80ish people complimented me. 30ish people hugged me at the afterparty. 15ish invited me to a punk show the next night. 11 people tagged pictures of me on facebook. 

-0 people want to watch a movie and share a bottle of wine with me right now. 

and that's what it's like. going through the motions. everything on paper. it feels like it should make up a life. a really good and happy life. and knowing that only makes the depression worse. guilt on top of that emptiness. 

so i'm gonna go to sleep alone in a really nice apartment. and wake up and go to my well paying, culture-fitting, intellectually stimulating job. and i'm gonna go to my voice lesson, given to me for free by a fan of the band who happens to be a music teacher. and then cw is gonna come by and fix my preamp so i can listen to records. and then i'll make him leave and i'll be on the floor listening to zeppelin alone again.

all of this. and some stupid facebook picutre of a guy kissing his gf and proudly posting how adorable he thinks she is. and it breaks me. and none of it seems to mean anything.

how fucking stupid is that?

it's only human i suppose.

or maybe i'm just pissy because my record player is still broken...

if it were working, i'd definately play Queen first. 

"caaaan...... anybody..... find me.... somebody too.....

love..."