it's been a long, scandalous while. i stopped writing mostly because a lot of things that were happening were not internet blog appropriate. and strangely- my inspiration to write music hit a lull. so it must be connected somehow.
just watched a bunch of old youtube videos of songs i wrote over the last year . the stupid one about things i'd do if i were Britney Spears, the parody ballad about overcoming all obstacles (like finding a hotel room) to hookup with CW, the one about Ben, the other one about Ben. (conclusion- i'm a f-ing genius)
it's weird to get inspired by past you as if past you was a totally different person but that's how it felt. and it made me sad that i haven't contributed artistically to the world in months. so imma start blogging again.
the best i can describe things currently is "floating." Nikki and Jess moved. Then Ben moved. Then Pirate moved. Then Fight club friend broke up with me. Then i had an overwhelmingly ridiculous 6 months of weekend trips with Trav. Then T said he loved me. Then my drummer got engaged. These are starting to get out of order... My coworker died. I got an office. My team reorged and all that "career trajectory" I'd been so excited about died.
for a few months I spent every waking moment trying to move to SF. I cleaned my apartment like I was getting ready to move. I applied for 15 jobs a day. I interviewed in SF. and after a couple of rejections, I got dejected and started... well floating.
somewhere i still feel like moving to SF is the right call and will happen within the year. so i'm not motivated AT ALL to build relationships here. and every single close friend i've had moved within the last year so i've been spending a lot of weekends alone.
so just kinda floating. which is not at all like me. i'm always gunning for *something* now it feels like i'm waiting. which inherently makes me unhappy. but i'm really lost as to wtf i should be doing.
i will say that my mind is in a really good place to handle all of this. reading all of the cliche "7 habits" and dale carnegie and siddhartha. taking meditation classes. running alot. still working hard on veganism. sleeping 8 hours a night. yoga. lots and lots and lots of sex.... so mind is at peace despite the chaos or lack thereof.
it's weird how you forget what *actually* makes you happy versus what you assume makes you happy.
yesterday i started spiraling. went to a happy hour for Jess, who was in town visiting. Spent most of it alternating between awkward small talk with people i didnt know or care to know, remaniscing about how much closer i used to be with our mutual group of friends and how the likelihood that they'll ever be my "group" again is slim to none and then texting my coworkers on my phone. (sidenote- coworker friendships seem to be the only group i really haven't ever attempted to build (read also- slept with and fucked up) and since i spend most of my time there it's becoming an actual social outlet, details forthcoming)
i walked home after the HH feeling like everyone was moving on without me. like i'd stayed in my hometown and friends were coming back to visit from college.
and how none of my friends should feel sorry for me. it's my job to get my shit together. and if i'm relying on feeling "missed" to feel loved, then i'm fucked.
so...
i walked into the studio almost in tears
and andy had my stuff already packed up.
casey pulled the tour bus around.
jeremy bought me a 18 pack of PBR for our offsite rehearsal
i made a racist joke that made everyone laugh
and by the end of the night it felt like what almost made me cry earlier was beyond trivial. and i can't leave seattle. my bandmates, thru no choice of their own, have become family.
and with that, i'm going to leave blogland and go write a sappy drunken email to my bandmates about how much i love them.
love > everything
xoxo
k
