I walk walking down Mission street listening to Chip Conley's 'Emotional Equations' on audible when I stopped in my tracks and out loud said "oh. mygod." Courage. duh.
let me back up.
I recently went to a leadership learning lab that my company does every quarter. It's your typical management workshop only since it's for internal employees, the content is incredibly well selected and it balance the right amount of neuroscience with hippy love stuff. I loved it.
What I didn't love was how difficult i found it to do the partner-work. I cringed a little inside every time they said to "find a partner." And it wasn't the work I found challenging, it was the small talk before-hand. The introduction, the trying to make a good first impression.
But this is something I knew about myself. I hate small talk. It's boring, it's awkward, it requires an intense amount of energy for me.
What I didn't know, tho, was that buried beneath my excuses that 'i'm an introvert' and 'i'm more self-aware so i'm more conscious of others reactions' was something I'd never considered. I'm just plain scared. Scared to be myself around new people. i'm worried they will judge me because honestly, i'm judging them. my inner critic is an asshole that forces me into a shell of a person that i don't even recognize. and when i hate how unreal i am, i hate the interaction.
this idea of being "your authentic self" always seemed below me. I know who i am, and I'm comfortable being vulnerable. i'm almost TOO self-aware. So then why did i struggle so much with it?
cut to: I start walking again and the word courage repeats in my head. I've got to find a way to get over the fear of being myself before i get comfortable with someone. Or i'm going to isolate myself from new connections.
But how the fuck do i do this? Well, this entry is the first step. I've never had a problem being authentic here because there's no immediate reactions to read from anyone reading this. So I'm admitting this in a safe place and then... less safe places.
I'm going to start posting some more personal stuff on social media. Invite the criticism. Stop trying to brand myself on facebook by hand-picking the stuff that i feel is judgement-proof.
I've got a lot of great material to read and some great soul-searching vacations planned.
But for better or for worse, I'm going to have to start practicing this in the scariest place of all, other people. I don't have that quite figured out yet, but fortunately, they're fucking everywhere ;)
