Tonight, it is with intentional embarrassment that I link you to the webpage I just made as part of and to keep track of my newest endeavor, the "101 things in 1001 days" challenge.
The more time i spend on this, the more it feels like exactly what's been missing the last year.
It's self-explanatorily a short term bucket list. What's brilliant about it is that 3ish years seems to be the sweet spot of lofty and inspiring but SMART goal setting. Bucket lists are fun for the imagination but has no real planable deadlines to work around. New years resolutions fall flat because doing anything for a year that you aren't doing makes it hard to stay motivated. 3 years works well because you have multiple times to try seasonally dependent goals. Being 30 is kind of a perfect time to do this as well because I expect to be in a very different place 3 years from now and it's given me time to reflect on what I really want to do before i move into a more settled, domestic role.
The number seems to work well too, as it's big enough to throw "easy wins" on there, but small enough that you don't feel pressured to put "everysinglethingyoucouldeverwanttodo"
I tried to keep my travel goals off as much as possible because my travel bucket list is kind of insane right now and really, this wasn't the point.
It's been cathartic just to make the list. Lately I've been feeling somewhat directionless and lost. Go to work, come home, eat, take the dog out, go to band, dress up, go out, drink, fuck, sleep, read a book, watch Game of Thrones. Everything wonderful and fufilling but somewhat repetetive. And I feel like I already up and do whatever I set my mind to. I just hadn't felt inspired lately.
So i made the list. and considering how amazing i've felt without even accomplishing anything tells me 2 things about what makes me happy:
1- I need to have a plan. Even if the plan is just to make a plan. I need a plan. Feeling like i'm on track, even if I'm not there yet, is better than being content when i'm where i think i should be.
2- I need to be always working toward something. Always challenged. Always impressing myself with my accomplishments. Always feeling like i'm making "progress." Even if I give up halfway thru, which I often do, and have always kind of hated about myself, the trying was always the best part.
so my list has lofty things like "get married" and "swim with a shark" and stupid chores like "get passport renewed" and "make an appointment with a dermatologist."
But I built a website last night and it's terrible but I figured it out and am going to sleep having added another stupid url to the universe. and it is...
http://karis101project.com/
Friday, April 19, 2013
Thursday, March 21, 2013
Be sure to watch the shore
(a dramatic interpretation of last night, inspired, as always by C$)
She wrapped her arms tightly around herself, craddling the bottle to her chest. The wind whipped around her, violent at this height, but it wasn't cold. It never was in Maine this time of year. She took one long final drink from the bottle and set it carefully down on the rocks beside her, never tearing her eyes from the moon and the water. The wool scottish tartan blanket had fallen uselessly down to her lap and she pulled it back around her shoulders. It wasn't a full moon, but it was close enough.
The night, like her mind, ebbed and flowed, raced and settled, soft and violent. As the wind died, she took a deep breath and pulled a piece of folded up music paper from inside her Hunter rain boots. She didn't need to read it again. She knew what it said.
She stuffed the note into the empty wine bottle and held it up to the sky, admiring the elegant courior.
The wind began to stir and as the tide receded past the rocks she flung the bottle over the cliff and sent it crashing to the shores below. with it went it all. and without it she sat back pleased.
"i sent you a letter," she said to him in her mind. "be sure to watch the shore"
She wrapped her arms tightly around herself, craddling the bottle to her chest. The wind whipped around her, violent at this height, but it wasn't cold. It never was in Maine this time of year. She took one long final drink from the bottle and set it carefully down on the rocks beside her, never tearing her eyes from the moon and the water. The wool scottish tartan blanket had fallen uselessly down to her lap and she pulled it back around her shoulders. It wasn't a full moon, but it was close enough.
The night, like her mind, ebbed and flowed, raced and settled, soft and violent. As the wind died, she took a deep breath and pulled a piece of folded up music paper from inside her Hunter rain boots. She didn't need to read it again. She knew what it said.
She stuffed the note into the empty wine bottle and held it up to the sky, admiring the elegant courior.
The wind began to stir and as the tide receded past the rocks she flung the bottle over the cliff and sent it crashing to the shores below. with it went it all. and without it she sat back pleased.
"i sent you a letter," she said to him in her mind. "be sure to watch the shore"
Thursday, January 24, 2013
african american out
it's been a long, scandalous while. i stopped writing mostly because a lot of things that were happening were not internet blog appropriate. and strangely- my inspiration to write music hit a lull. so it must be connected somehow.
just watched a bunch of old youtube videos of songs i wrote over the last year . the stupid one about things i'd do if i were Britney Spears, the parody ballad about overcoming all obstacles (like finding a hotel room) to hookup with CW, the one about Ben, the other one about Ben. (conclusion- i'm a f-ing genius)
it's weird to get inspired by past you as if past you was a totally different person but that's how it felt. and it made me sad that i haven't contributed artistically to the world in months. so imma start blogging again.
the best i can describe things currently is "floating." Nikki and Jess moved. Then Ben moved. Then Pirate moved. Then Fight club friend broke up with me. Then i had an overwhelmingly ridiculous 6 months of weekend trips with Trav. Then T said he loved me. Then my drummer got engaged. These are starting to get out of order... My coworker died. I got an office. My team reorged and all that "career trajectory" I'd been so excited about died.
for a few months I spent every waking moment trying to move to SF. I cleaned my apartment like I was getting ready to move. I applied for 15 jobs a day. I interviewed in SF. and after a couple of rejections, I got dejected and started... well floating.
somewhere i still feel like moving to SF is the right call and will happen within the year. so i'm not motivated AT ALL to build relationships here. and every single close friend i've had moved within the last year so i've been spending a lot of weekends alone.
so just kinda floating. which is not at all like me. i'm always gunning for *something* now it feels like i'm waiting. which inherently makes me unhappy. but i'm really lost as to wtf i should be doing.
i will say that my mind is in a really good place to handle all of this. reading all of the cliche "7 habits" and dale carnegie and siddhartha. taking meditation classes. running alot. still working hard on veganism. sleeping 8 hours a night. yoga. lots and lots and lots of sex.... so mind is at peace despite the chaos or lack thereof.
it's weird how you forget what *actually* makes you happy versus what you assume makes you happy.
yesterday i started spiraling. went to a happy hour for Jess, who was in town visiting. Spent most of it alternating between awkward small talk with people i didnt know or care to know, remaniscing about how much closer i used to be with our mutual group of friends and how the likelihood that they'll ever be my "group" again is slim to none and then texting my coworkers on my phone. (sidenote- coworker friendships seem to be the only group i really haven't ever attempted to build (read also- slept with and fucked up) and since i spend most of my time there it's becoming an actual social outlet, details forthcoming)
i walked home after the HH feeling like everyone was moving on without me. like i'd stayed in my hometown and friends were coming back to visit from college.
and how none of my friends should feel sorry for me. it's my job to get my shit together. and if i'm relying on feeling "missed" to feel loved, then i'm fucked.
so...
i walked into the studio almost in tears
and andy had my stuff already packed up.
casey pulled the tour bus around.
jeremy bought me a 18 pack of PBR for our offsite rehearsal
i made a racist joke that made everyone laugh
and by the end of the night it felt like what almost made me cry earlier was beyond trivial. and i can't leave seattle. my bandmates, thru no choice of their own, have become family.
and with that, i'm going to leave blogland and go write a sappy drunken email to my bandmates about how much i love them.
love > everything
xoxo
k
just watched a bunch of old youtube videos of songs i wrote over the last year . the stupid one about things i'd do if i were Britney Spears, the parody ballad about overcoming all obstacles (like finding a hotel room) to hookup with CW, the one about Ben, the other one about Ben. (conclusion- i'm a f-ing genius)
it's weird to get inspired by past you as if past you was a totally different person but that's how it felt. and it made me sad that i haven't contributed artistically to the world in months. so imma start blogging again.
the best i can describe things currently is "floating." Nikki and Jess moved. Then Ben moved. Then Pirate moved. Then Fight club friend broke up with me. Then i had an overwhelmingly ridiculous 6 months of weekend trips with Trav. Then T said he loved me. Then my drummer got engaged. These are starting to get out of order... My coworker died. I got an office. My team reorged and all that "career trajectory" I'd been so excited about died.
for a few months I spent every waking moment trying to move to SF. I cleaned my apartment like I was getting ready to move. I applied for 15 jobs a day. I interviewed in SF. and after a couple of rejections, I got dejected and started... well floating.
somewhere i still feel like moving to SF is the right call and will happen within the year. so i'm not motivated AT ALL to build relationships here. and every single close friend i've had moved within the last year so i've been spending a lot of weekends alone.
so just kinda floating. which is not at all like me. i'm always gunning for *something* now it feels like i'm waiting. which inherently makes me unhappy. but i'm really lost as to wtf i should be doing.
i will say that my mind is in a really good place to handle all of this. reading all of the cliche "7 habits" and dale carnegie and siddhartha. taking meditation classes. running alot. still working hard on veganism. sleeping 8 hours a night. yoga. lots and lots and lots of sex.... so mind is at peace despite the chaos or lack thereof.
it's weird how you forget what *actually* makes you happy versus what you assume makes you happy.
yesterday i started spiraling. went to a happy hour for Jess, who was in town visiting. Spent most of it alternating between awkward small talk with people i didnt know or care to know, remaniscing about how much closer i used to be with our mutual group of friends and how the likelihood that they'll ever be my "group" again is slim to none and then texting my coworkers on my phone. (sidenote- coworker friendships seem to be the only group i really haven't ever attempted to build (read also- slept with and fucked up) and since i spend most of my time there it's becoming an actual social outlet, details forthcoming)
i walked home after the HH feeling like everyone was moving on without me. like i'd stayed in my hometown and friends were coming back to visit from college.
and how none of my friends should feel sorry for me. it's my job to get my shit together. and if i'm relying on feeling "missed" to feel loved, then i'm fucked.
so...
i walked into the studio almost in tears
and andy had my stuff already packed up.
casey pulled the tour bus around.
jeremy bought me a 18 pack of PBR for our offsite rehearsal
i made a racist joke that made everyone laugh
and by the end of the night it felt like what almost made me cry earlier was beyond trivial. and i can't leave seattle. my bandmates, thru no choice of their own, have become family.
and with that, i'm going to leave blogland and go write a sappy drunken email to my bandmates about how much i love them.
love > everything
xoxo
k
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