It's been a mindfuck.
Trying to play housekeeper to my own head and figure out what's really going on when I feel waves of panic over trivial things.
and the conclusion seems to be that all these fears are justified. I keep getting the urge to cry when i think about Nikki and Jess moving and it seems like an overreaction. But then I remember the last 12 months...
One year ago was the dramatic kick-in-the-stomach end to the 3 year gut-wrenching saga of me and Dan.
back and forth and back and forth and finally an ultimatum ending at the top of the space needle with a dozen Peonies and promises of a new beginning. A year comfort and peace riddled with unresolved issues and lack of trust. to the violent and bitter end.
The loneliest I've ever felt was losing that group of friends. Which I'd always known would happen, but hadn't stopped me from not making any new ones along the way. And trying to reconnect with old friends just made me feel more lonely and left out and so much had changed.
So lonely that I let a boy I knew I didn't truly love, pack up his life and move across the country to be with me. It seemed ridiculous, but it felt better than the alternative.
That breakup ended with the beginning of the most unhealthy relationship I've ever been in. Despite all of my better judgement, I couldn't say no to the boy I'd always wondered about. It was intense. It was misplaced passion. I fell in love with the idea of us being together. I needed more than anything for him to love me because he represented everything I wanted... and then he didn't. and 4 years of "will they" turned into a hard no. and i watched someone go from lover to friend to asshole telling me i'm being crazy and need to suck it up for the sake of the band.
and then C told me she was moving. and i hit rock bottom. and had a bender of events that led me to the therapist's office.
and then the healing process started to begin. and my therapist said i should reach out to someone i've always wanted to be closer with. so i agreed to go to SF with Nikki and Jess and found 2 of the best friends i've had.
and now they're leaving...
and i'm falling for a guy who doesn't live here and thus has a very cap on how far it could go.
and all of this, the fact that i'm never going to get over my drummer while we're in the band together, and everything that makes me happy is in SF, and my rent is skyrocketing... it makes it so hard to want to be *here*...
but i can't leave yet. my career has never been on such a trajectory. and my parents just bought a house across the water.
so i'm just having nightmares and panic attacks and breaking down and crying at weird times for the stupidest reasons.
I'm just not good at being alone. All my lowest points stem from lonliness...and it's extra hard to play the "starting over" game when I'm not motivated to be here.
I guess there are worse problems to have than loving people so much it breaks your heart to miss them. After they move, there's a Hawaii trip in the works that will likely take the edge off. And a few weeks after that is my 10 days silent Vipasanna retreat. So I may come out extra zen on the other side.
In other news, I woke up in the middle of the night from a nightmare and started writing half-asleep in my journal. Here's what I found this morning:
"Fuck, oh fuck. My ears are ringing/
I want to fuck, but I've been singing/
Praises counting on my fingers/
of the places he should linger/
stop, you have too many days/
and there's lots of flags he's raised/
so why not stop before it starts/
and be one less broken heart"
-Subconscious Kartarr
