Nick broke up with me. Or I, him. I'm not sure. It felt mutual but in that "i resent how much you suck at making me happy so we're done but this is still your fault" kind of way.
Definitely feeling sad. Though logic tells me I shouldn't feel sad. He still wants to be friends. And sex is still on the table. Just removing the relationship part, which didn't seem to be working for either of us.
So this should be a good thing.
But maybe I'm taking it a little hard because I'm not great when close friends are so harsh. Hard not to shrug it off. I'm not bad at relationships. But I am terrible to be in a relationship with when I'm not happy. Faking it is not something I do.
And I'm right about why it wasn't working. And it's something neither of us should take personally. Neither of us felt like the other one was making an effort in the right way. The things he was doing to show he cared, are not the things I need. and vice versa.
For what it's worth, I don't think i've ever been in a relationship where that part was so clear. So it's a good lesson.
I need all the little things constantly. I need consistent reminders that I'm important. Text messages, gchats, being updated on plans even when they don't involve me, advance notice of things that shows respect for my schedule, over-communication. Things that make a relationship feel like a partnership.
I didn't realize how important those things were until I dated someone more independent than myself.
He needed gestures. Sacrifice. Actions that showed I was willing to inconvenience my life for someone else.
But I think after being in so many failed relationships, I see sacrifice as a bad thing. Like, when I'm with the right person, we'll just click and nothing will need to be compromised. Or at least not as a primary way to show affection.
The things I do to show people I love them don't feel like sacrifices. I buy presents, I write songs, I text little afirmations, I go to things to support them.
When I blow off happy hours or brunches because I need alone time, it has nothing to do with how important people are. And my truly close friends have never seen it that way. And the friends who do take offense, have never stuck around for long.
Naturally tho, the moment he left, I sat in my hallway feeling more alone than I have in a while.
I sat at the piano until I realized it was night and I was playing in the dark. and i wrote this:
the strongest thing I was feeling at the time was how unfair it is that you flip 180 degrees and suddenly miss someone the second they leave. even after weeks of being frustrated, annoyed, pressured, trapped.
all someone has to do, is end it. and you can't even feel the relief of freedom. 15 seconds later and you're going through "a breakup"
i hate how not in control it makes me feel.
i know i should feel better. logic says I should be okay.
but i freak out and go straight to "i'm gonna die alone"
at least I got a good song out of it.
I also learned the first half of "Apres Moi" By Regina Spektor. Which is on my "fucking impossibly hard piano songs that i want to learn before i die."
so i guess yesterday is a wash.
i hope i can stay in sad but reflective mode for long enough to want to be friends with him. Knowing me, if something hurts for too long, I have to fix it.
#control issues
and back to something i can control, work.
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