brain cleanings

I must say I am really enjoying therapy. Probably for 2 big reasons. 1- I love talking about myself. I mean that in an honest way. I find myself genuinely interesting and enjoy sharing parts of me with others. I am very proud of who I am. 2- I see therapy as a problem solving exercise and i really love puzzles. It's like a game. Why do i do this? or feel that? how has my life chiseled these complexes into me? and how do we fix?
it's probably the perfectionist in me to wants to have the most healthy and functional life possible but honestly it's like problem solving crack.
so what has therapy revealed about me so far?
well, I am too guarded in relationships and i have trouble letting myself be vulnerable in someone else's eyes. i don't have a good sense of myself in making decisions about relationships. i seek too much outside counsel and i don't have a filter for what advice i should be giving weight to.
none of this is news.
but it is very interesting to dissect where it comes from.
it would seem a lot of it comes from having an irrational fear of being too needy and high maintenance. I've started lumping all emotional reactions as irrational and I feel like i should be able to talk my way out of feeling anything that hurts.

so the homework this week has been to acknowledge when something hurts my feelings, admit it to myself and feel shitty about it before beginning the rationalizing process instead of skipping straight to it.
i asked my therapist what happens if I let myself get upset and I can't get out of it? She said that's what you bring to therapy and you work through it with help.

kinda wish everyone was required to go to therapy. it's so helpful to do mind cleaning. and god knows the people we usually rely on for advice are helplessly littered with bias and agendas.

anyway, a fun exercise i've been playing with, which honestly I think will do wonders for my song writing, is this:
when you get that hurt feeling, you write down what happened and your instant gut reaction to why it hurts. then you write down what you think is the irrational reason why it hurts. then you try to come up with a logical reason why it should hurt.
so the example i'm working through is like...
What happened- I didn't have a boyfriend on Valentine's Day
Gut reaction- I'm lonely
Irrational reason-  It's my fault that I'm lonely  either because I messed up all my relationships or because I'm not good enough to be loved by anyone. :)
logical- I'm lonely because society tells me there's something wrong with being single and I would rather be alone than with someone i don't truly love so I haven't chosen to settle.

this led me to write a really rad song on the piano last night actually.
combining the puzzle solving with the letting myself wallow by belting out lyrics that express the irrational was a total catharsis.

long story short- head shriking = fun