I should have written down all the things I was thinking about last night. Everything felt really clear. Completely and devestatingly heartbreaking, but clear.
I stayed in the studio for hours after the guys left just thinking, and crying, and listening to music and crying more. I never feel like I can just go home or go to sleep until I find that thing, that one idea or plan or concept that makes me feel like this feeling won't last forever.
but even after 6 beers and 90 minutes of my emo playlist, i couldn't come up with anything.
If i'm being totally 100% honest with myself, I'm a lot more messed up about this *thing* than I a- let myself believe and b- know i need to be.
at the end of the day, i lost my 2 best friends in seattle. and i'm not over it.
convinced myself i was over losing dw because i was so over the relationship. jumped right into one new thing after the next and replaced feeling trapped and bored with butterflies and adolescent honeymoon drama. but when all the boys are busy and i'm alone, i realize how much i miss the connection i had with him. and how no one around me right now comes close. and how it's easy to mistake puppy love for a genuine connection... until it's over. i know it's been almost 9 months, but the distractions are finally fading and i'm finally mourning my break up. and it's gut wrenching.
and i convinced myself that i was fine burning out a 3 year "when's it gonna happen?" fling. rationalizing how incompatible we are. focusing on all the reasons why i don't want what i was told i couldn't have. swallowing all the bitterness i felt for the way it all ended. playing nice so the rest of the things would be affected. and even when that friendship turned to spite and fighting and emotional abuse, i convinced myself it was okay to lose a friend. that friends come and go. that i didn't need him. that maybe he wasn't such a great friend after all.
but it's exhausting keeping up those perspectives. they're broken over and over again every day that i see him. every time i have to email a question and i'm met with cold calculated answers. every time i text with feedback on something and i'm met with monosyllabic bare-minimum responses. every time i see him with someone new.
and every time i try to rationalize with him i'm reminded that i cannot feel ANYTHING. it's absolutely forbidden to just be hurt by any of it because it's completely counterproductive to everything and I should absolutely just get the fuck over everything.
and every time i get mad at the lack of empathy, i mourn the loss of my friend more.
it's hard enough when someone you love stops loving you. it's even harder when their actions seem hateful. it's even harder when they deny they're hurting you.
it's too much to deal with.
and the answer to all of this is remove the source of stress. because i clearly can't fix it and i can't force someone to be nice to me.
so...
i sat on the couch in the studio and thought long and hard about what i needed to do to fix things. cuz i can't convince myself that everything is okay anymore. i feel broken.
but nothing ever came. i don't think i can fix everything myself this time.
desperate aggressive drastic action feels on the horizon...
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