impossible condition

my friend nikki said it best when she told me "kari, when people say they don't want to hurt someone, it just means they don't want that person to think badly of them. it's always selfish because it hurts the other person much more in the long run to be protected in the short run."

It takes a lot for me to dismiss someone as a bad person. Obviously, given my track record. I forgive. And there really is good in everyone if you're able to be objective and not let certain actions cloud your view.

I may have too much compassion tho. Somehow got myself into a mess and i'm having trouble seeing a way out.

Let me open with this. I wrote this yesterday. It's called "Leave it Open." Apparently I am incapable of writing anything on the piano that isn't incredibly sad sounding. But the song is basically about how hard it is to cut ties with an ex when you break up on amicable terms. You lean on them for support because they are the one person going through exactly what you are. Support turns to friendship, turns to "hey this is nice without the pressure", turns to "what's sex between friends?", turns to regularly sleeping together, turns to a giant grey area that's confusing to friends and hurtful to... side projects.

and i really did not want to ever again get involved with someone who had a complicated half-relationship. of all the things i have learned in my years of dating, it is that those situations will always eat you alive.

yet despite going into this with the understanding that the person in question was undeniably single, he continues to go back to his ex and lie to me about it. well, i'll be fair. not lie, but position things in a way that is not representative of the real situation. misleading maybe...

and yet- i have little interest in dating him. i bounce back and forth in my level of investment depending on what else I have going on. and who the hell am i to judge someone for hooking up with an ex?

so i wouldn't give it a second thought except... misleading me on how close they are and misleading her on his extra curricular activities is leading to situations that could have been avoided if everyone knew what was going on.

and this is what i find most irritating. but you can't change people. and i'm willing to take whatever responsibility i owe. i just can't figure out what that is.

Do I owe him my discretion? Even at the cost of lying, walking on eggshells and silently supporting their public relationship displays when we're in a group?
Do I owe it to myself and to her to fill her in on what he's neglecting to say so that we both can make informed decisions on things?

kinda torn on this one...