these memories lose their meaning, when i think of love as something new

my problem-
i can never seem to figure out the right place on the "reactions to painful situations" spectrum.
On one side, we get just overly depressed. blow the situation up into something worse than it actually is. and wallow obsessively.
on the other side, we force it into something that's not hurtful. rebounding or lying to ourselves.
somewhere in the middle there's a sweet spot but no one ever seems to agree on what that is.

instinct is the wallowing side. but we're constantly told that it's weak. friends reinforce this by offering perspective to make you feel less sad.
since most people just aren't that strong, they typically end up somewhere in the healthy middle.

but i've lived most of my life trying to overcome the things society tells us are weak. refusing to be "that girl." putting myself in positions where it's impossible to hurt me.

and then every so often, my defenses fail and I have to face the spectrum again. and i'm so in my head about my reactions and my mood being MY choice, that any tinge of sadness i let slip is mixed with guilt and i'm upset at myself for being upset.

the wallowing side is dangerous. once you allow yourself to just be sad, it can be very hard to get back out of it. it becomes easier and easier to see all the ugly. and harder and harder to see the good stuff.

but the forcing side is just as dangerous. the lies that made you feel better get proven wrong. the actions you take to feel better don't work and leave you feeling shittier for making an effort.

 any way of looking at things offers inversely related levels of truth and comfort. the trick seems to be finding the balance.

and i think the whole "grieving process" in general is people flipping around the spectrum trying to find that balance.

so i feel like you can skip the whole thing if you just take time to figure it out.

but i always err on the side of overcompensating for weakness.
and i'm doing okay until i start listening to the beatles after 3 glasses of wine and suddenly i'm tearing up and even I don't know why.
maybe there's no amount of rationalization that can compete with good music.
no matter how much you convince yourself that it wasn't right, you were both unhappy, it's for the best, your trust issues would have destroyed you, he didn't believe in marriage....
none of that seems to matter in the face of "in my life... i love you more..."